Nobody's Home

This blog has moved to http://mysirensong.wordpress.com/ . Please go there -- and forgive the layout, I was in a pink mood.

What a Difference a Day Makes

So, D and I talked for a long time last night after my post, and he reiterated the idea that he just wasn't happy -- and he actually defended himself a little, which was different to hear. He said, "I was THERE. When you needed me, I've ALWAYS been there." That's true, to a point, but he bailed.

Earlier in the night we'd been talking about meeting on Saturday for "scene." It would actually be a real punishment for something I was supposed to do weeks ago and haven't. After the "yes I've told her I love her" confession, I'd said no. And then while we were talking I said, "You know what? YES. I want to come over Saturday. And I want it to be REAL, and HARD -- basically, I don't want a minute wasted. Because I can't guarantee you that it will ever happen again. I can't even guarantee we'll be talking for a very long time."

He actually got it. He actually understood that I was saying it might be my "goodbye."

OK, so, fast forward to today. I began actually conversing with someone I met on SF. We have the EXACT same philosophy about discipline. He's cute. We talked on the phone and he's SMART! He sort of reminded me of Andrew with the analytical-intelligence he's got going on. He lives in Buffalo but he's MOVING to Raleigh within like a week. We have other interests in common outside of TTWD -- sports (football, hockey -- different teams, but we aren't rivals. LOL), good restaurants, literature. I haven't asked the all-important politics question yet. Damn, Dave's Conservative Libertarian shit, and my Pinko Liberal shit really became an issue ... but we'll see. It's not a *deal breaker* for me -- but it's something I have to consider if the person is outspoken like I am.

Either way, right now I feel excited and happy -- and glad to have had kidney pain today so that I could talk to him. :)

It doesn't stop

He told her he loved her. And now I can't breathe.

And I know it's my fault for asking him point-blank. He won't lie to me -- and about this, he shouldn't anyway; if I'm going to be so stupid as to ask, then I deserve to be told.

But I've been holding on, all this time, to the idea that he HAD NOT SAID IT BACK. That there was still some sliver of hope because regardless of her feelings, they weren't *quite* reciprocated. But now he has.

I don't understand. I don't know how I changed -- who I became that he couldn't love anymore. I'd give anything in the world to go back and fix those last months, and become who he needed me to be.

I literally can't breathe.

I'm such a dork

I LOST my other blog. It had the cutest name (Love and Other Indoor Sports), but for the life of me, I can't even remember what SITE it was on. So, now I'm starting over. Using the same name that my Livejournal was under, though I had to add angienc at the end because SOMEONE already stole mysirensong. Hmph.

I don't know what all I'll post here. Probably stuff about my kink, the world of being (newly?) single, maybe some stuff about teaching although I have to be VERY private about that. I hope it will be somewhat entertaining -- but no promises!